indicators

Things are not what they seem. This theme is one of my major life obstacles. At any moment, I feel like my life can detonate sending chest-shattering shrapnel of my dreams and desires in every direction. Leaving me with the strenuous and unending duty to clean everything up only to be quietly trembling in fear that it will happen again. I live everyday on this edge of fear and reality because I never trust myself enough to believe that anything is constant. Or that anything is real. Or that anything is reliable. Or that anything will ever truly exist the way I want them to for me. I've become so sensitive and confused that I rely on distant indicators to give me clues about reality while I forage for deep psychological and emotional need. They're not always accurate but it's the only way I've learned how to delay this ticking time-bomb.