split

I have all these things going on in my life. So busy all the time. Yet, I feel like there is a big hole in my existence. I think it is because a lack of life. I do everything that I want to do and any given moment in time. But this freedom makes me feel sometimes even more isolated. Where others have obligations to friends, to families, to significant others, I have none. So I try to think about why I have none. Do I have none because I push people away? or do I have none because I am uninviting? or do I have none because I am unattractive? Is it my fault that I have none? And suddenly, this solitariness becomes a comfort. Knowing that I have no emotional or physical boundaries to tiptoe. Nobody to call back. Nobody to offend. And I realize that I cannot live with the integration of both sides of emotional relationships. I cannot reconcile the inconsiderateness and the aggravation with the tender and intimate sides of the same person.